there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
