I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
