Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
