I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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