while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
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