i need an iv and a liver transplant
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
