Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
