I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
