I think my vagina is haunted
i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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