addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
