If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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