I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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