I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
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