If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
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