I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
