I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Randomize
