as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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