I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
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