i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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