a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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