god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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