my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Randomize
