I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
