I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I need a burrito and a hug.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize