She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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