Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
