i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Randomize
