its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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