god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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