I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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