: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
