Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Randomize
