If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
