I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
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