she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
