Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
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