I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
