happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
