o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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