I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
