I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
bring money and cleavage
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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