I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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