see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
