i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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