listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
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