On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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