Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
Randomize
