Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
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