Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
