I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
splinters make it hard to masturbate
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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