That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
one two three fourrrrnication!
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
