She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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