what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
I should be sponsored by Trojan
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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