Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Randomize
