I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
