God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
