I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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