I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
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