Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
