Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
Randomize
